Don't Know What to Think

Quite long time since I last wrote in here but I've been too busy... I have lot to write about and first comet the update of my life :)

So I was supposed to have Endocrinology exam week ago but as we waited it to start the lecture room filled with strange people and eventually there was no space for all. It turned out to be some other exam and our exam was canceled. It was supposed to be today but the lecturer decided to put half of it to next exam and half on final. Which is good because I had Neurobiology exam today... But the weekend first. On Friday I was home early and went to Kaisas place to see some movie (Mean Girls) and drank bottle of wine (was one glass only because the bottles are small... :P) with sparkling water. On Saturday I had really lazy day. I watched the game (again at Kaisas, and we won!), after that we watched Devil wears Prada (rented it on Friday but didn't watch it and it had to be returned by 5pm). After that it was too late to do anything (not that I really had any motivation to do anything...) so we just watched tv (Pirates of the Caribbean I). And talked with Tarmo <3 On Sunday I got some work done and ate pancakes which Kaisa made for us ^^ They were soooooo good! And of course on Sunday it's Desperate Housewinves day too :) I also heard that dad lost his job (though we knew to expect that, they had a new boss and they had to let people go, and he actually wanted to quit but it's not good to quit your job on your own or you don't get any money). So now he has no job but he still gets money. But he's too old to get any job anymore and he's been sick a lot so I hope that he retires... Or that he can retire. We'll see...

On Monday it was my birthday!!! So I'm 22 :> In the morning my parents called and I even got a card from Ashleigh! (A cat card and it was red! Am I really THAT obvious??? :D) I got a funny power point from friends from Finland and many congrats via Facebook. On my first lecture Meike gave me a smoothie and a Birthday Girl badge I had to wear the whole day :D It was fun and quite embarrassing, especially when I was alone :D At Burge a girl who swipes our ID said Happy Birthday and a group of exchange students started to sing but I quickly left :D After my lectures I came home, talked with Tarmo and Saana (haven't talked for so long time!!!). Meike and Paola invited me to their place in the evening and I had such a big surprise waiting for me! The second I stepped inside there was Seminaarimäen Mieslaulajat - Taina playing, there was a birthday cake on the table, red lights and Happy Birthday band hanging on the couch!!!! OH MY GOD! I was so touched that I had to cry! It still gets my eyes wet :) I can't say how touched I was... I did know to expect something but not anything like this... Oh... It was so nice! And I got beautiful earrings and a Hello Kitty towel :D And when I finally came back home I had a packet of Finnish chocolate and Salmiakki waiting for me from my parents :)

And on that night I had a dream where I was sleeping next to Tarmo and it felt so warm and nice, and Pollo walked there too <3

And something about the weather has to be mentioned too... it's been really windy and in the mornings (and nights) there is already minus degrees! Trees have lost most of their leaves but the grass is still green. Still feels like Finnish Spring.

Today I had my Neurobiology exam (no more night exams!!!) and the professor said that the exam is harder than the last exam was... I don't know how that's possible... There were couple of questions I didn't know but I answered to everything... I did all I could, it didn't go well but then again that doesn't tell anything. As I have said so many times, even though you get bad points, you can get a good grade... Last time I got like 66/100 and I got B... So stupid...

But now to serious things. I heard this morning some awful news from Finland. About the massacre in Jokela high school. Oh my god... I feel so bad... And the most shocking part of this is that it was in news even in here! I really don't know what to think! And I've been thinking about it the whole day! I don't know why it touches me this much. I didn't know any of them, it was far away from where I live but still I feel awful. Maybe it's because it was even in here in news and it was said in news too, that schools have always been considered as a safe place in Finland and I myself have always felt that when I'm in school, I'm safe. Lucky me that I'm not in school anymore, I don't know what I'd do... I'm afraid of mentally unstable people, have always been, but somehow I'm even more afraid now... I can't understand how no-one saw this coming??? Please do believe that when a young people say that they feel bad, they do feel bad and it's not just a puberty!!! (That's what it was considered when I was in high school...) We really need to take some serious actions... Oh I still can't believe this happened! I don't know what to think... I'm mad that he died and he don't need to face his action, he got away from this too easily! He killed young people who had their whole life ahead and a woman who possibly had children! This is so unfair! Then again it's good that he died so that the government doesn't need to take care of him (which costs a lot money). And even though I don't believe in God, I want to believe that he won't get away from this this easily. There's got to be something waiting for him. Hell or something as bad. This is stupid, stupid, STUPID! I feel so sorry for all the parents and friends. As my worst fear is to lose my loved ones, I can only imagine what they feel like if I feel this bad :(

I don't know what to say about this anymore... I don't know what to think. I'm so glad no-one asked my opinion about this today. I might have bursted into tears...

I Know What Sunlotion Is

Something to report again :)

I had my first exam and it went ok. The professor asked some questions I didn't really expect but I knew the answers for most of the questions. At least I think so... We had 5 pages of questions on both sides of the papers, multiple questions, true/false or short answers. I was done in half an hour though I didn't believe it, so I checked my answers, didn't change anything and watched someone else to return their paper first. It was funny that people kept asking questions about the exam during the whole exam time (like some details about the questions or asked some clarifications), in Finland what you see is what you get. If there is not some mistakes about the question and you ask something about it, the professor just says that you see the question, answer to it...

I also had my first "proper" lab in animal behavior. Last time we just watches the March of the Penguins and wrote short proposal for that, today we played with zebra fishes. We had a male zebra fish alone in a tank and we were supposed to tease it with a fake female/male fishes and write down its behavior. In the end we wanted to repeat the trials but our fish got tired and was only interested in me :D (it stayed only in the corner that was on my side) I laughed that even the fish is interested in European girl :D

And I felt really special at the beginning of the week when people came to say to me that "Oh we missed you!" I was away only one weekend :D Tymon was best when he said that "Oh, the Asians are no use, you need to come to the bar with us!" I also talked with my mother in law today! She was visiting Tarmo today and we talked via Skype and webcam :) So I saw our kitties, Tarmo and my mother in law <3 It made me happy but it also made me miss home. Talking by just writing is easier though I love to hear Tarmos voice, but it makes me miss him and home more. Though time still goes by so fast, it's already Thursday night!

People are still teasing me about my red face. "You know what sunlotion is? You know, S-U-N-L-O-T-I-O-N." "Yeah, I thought you were red! You want me to get you some lotion?" Thanks, but I can handle this and believe or not, we do have sunlotion in Finland too :P I just supposed that we were going to bar to see the game but we didn't, so we stayed outside and it was cold and and... Which reminds me that I'm kind of waiting for the colder weather. It's windier now so it's not that warm even though the temperature is close to 30C. And the trees are dropping their leaves... I want to wear my winter skirts and boots :P And many people have asked me if the girls in here are like in every American movies: all made up and fresh and beautiful 24/7. No they aren't. I leave out the sorority girls ;) They're just like we normal people ;D But I hate the water in here, it's so hard that it makes my hair so dry...

Oh I should do some vacuuming to our floor but we don't have a vacuum cleaner... And I never hear anyone to do any cleaning (vacuuming), now I've just picked up the trash every time I see one... Though I don't really spend that much time at home, I mainly sleep in here and I am keeping my laundry clean ;) And I keep my side ordered (most of the time...).

And some random things: people in here don't really know how to drive. They just get their drivers license. Well they know how to drive but they can't back up the car... In Finland we really need to learn how to do the backing up in small places before we get our license :P And Aston Kutcher and Elijah Wood have studied in the University of Iowa ;) And I had a troijan horse in my computer. The virus detector was funny, it gave this alarm (and scared me) but it said "there is no reason to panic..." Well that's a program for women! Because if it hadn't said that, I would've panicked :D And oh yeah, I bought Windows Vista and Office 2007, for total of $20 :P

We're going to Chicago in two weeks! We need still find a place to stay... And after that it's not long for out Thanksgiving trip and after that it's not long for finals and after that it's not long for me to see my love!

Family Planning :>

I had really fun weekend. We left to Des Moines and Aimes. We stayed at Melissas friends house which was really nice! On Saturday we went tailgating and it was great! Melissa and Matt left to get a spot for us early in the morning and we (Paola, Kaisa, Ashley and I) followed later. Unfortunately Ashley had to go to work but we grilled and drank some booze. And it was fun, everybody were interested about us European girls. We even got some free alcohol :> But the minus side was that there was cold but sunny, so we burned our faces. And today we went to Des Moines and went to the mall too, I found only one shoes.

Studies take so much time. I read one article but then I lost my energy and couldn't do more... I tried to find some articles for the behavior proposal but I don't have the mood to read them. I'll do that tomorrow... I also have my first exam next Wednesday! And I need to do some "homework" for neurobiology for Tuesday... Argh! So I basically need to live at the library next week.

But now I can write some deep thoughts. Oh but first one thing that has been bothering me the whole weekend. On Thursday-Friday night I woke up when Ashleigh asked I was ok, I just mumbled and fell asleep right away. She left to NYC so I couldn't ask what she meant. But Dezerae also asked me on Friday what was I screaming at night. But I can't remember that I even made any noise! And usually if I have really strong dreams, I remember them. I need to ask Ashleigh was I really screaming. But that's really scary... But I remember having That Kind of Dreams again :> Though I think (and believe) that the scream was not because of those dreams :D

But anyway, back to my deep thoughts. So we were at Ashley's and Matt's place during the weekend. They got married last summer and had really beautiful pictures from their wedding and engagement (I'm jealous, I want that kind of pics of me and Tarmo too!). I want to get married too! They are also planning for a baby but obviously getting a child in here is much more complicated compared to Finland. You really need to have insurance (as in Finland too) but insurances in here are really expensive. And that's because health care in here is expensive. But the funny thing for me is that it is such a big deal in here. It's not that it wouldn't be a big deal in Finland too to have a kid but somehow I got the impression that it is much easier. I can't explain what I mean. And I lost my thought... But the thing I wanted to write about is family and home. Their home was so beautiful, they had the perfect kitchen table and chairs (made of dark red tree) and their sofas (and recliner!) were just awesome (but wrong colored for my taste)! I want such a furnitures too! I want a big house and beautiful things around me. And a car. Though I need to have my drivers license first... Oh I want so many things! I want to graduate and get a job (ie money)! Luckily I'm supposed to graduate next Spring and these thoughts drive me towards that goal, which is good. If I could get the PhD place from our university and get paid (it's more anyway than I get now) and if Tarmo could graduate and get a job too, and if we live still at the student apartment (we have no reason to move out because I like our home ;), we could save some money to get our home look like a real home (now we have so many ugly furniture because we can't afford to buy any other and we got them for free) and then I could get my drivers license and we could get a car and and and... I love dreaming about these things :)
But the family (serious) part of my thoughts. Being away from Tarmo makes me love him more and more. I feel such a strong bonding with him and being separated and not able to talk every day makes me want to spend the rest of my life with him more than ever. I know I'm young and to be engaged in this age is unsure for many people. But I've always felt being older (though then again I'm not over 18...) and I've never felt like this. I've always planned for my future home and family (damn these mom genes!) but now it feels different. My dreams feel like they could come true someday. And listening other people to get married and planning to get babies gets my baby boom blooming again! But no worries, I'm rationale and won't get a baby only because I want to do so :D I need a guaranteed source of money and a place where to go after maternity "vacation". I need a life situation where I can get a baby. And I am not in that kind of situation yet. I need also my man to want a baby (hint hint Tarmo, muaha! ;) Now I'm being mean. But I actually said this weekend that I need to call little people as brats to keep my baby boom away :D
But now that I've been in the Land of Promises, I know that I do not want to raise my family in here. Or to be more precise, I do not want to spend my whole life in here. I still do want to come back here to do some research. I'd like to emerge my family to this culture too. The optimal situation would be to come here with my family (though I will not come back if my family ie Tarmo is not coming, I will not go through separation again) and spend some years in here but get back to get my kids educated in Finland. I can't come back for two years (to live) in here after I go back home. So that means that if and when I graduate next Spring and I really get the PhD place (ie source of money), I have still year and a half time to plan my come back. It's not that I had to be here exactly in two years but being perfectionist means that I always need to plan everything. (And as I said, I love dreaming.) And that also means living in a "cheap" apartment which means that we are able to save some money. Which means that we can get the car etc. Though we need to get the car anyway because after we graduate, we don't get any student discounts anymore which means that we can't travel to see our parents.

(Sometimes I wonder if I should make another blog for my brainstorming because this has nothing to do with my exchange :D)

But now I'm tired writing all these things. There is so many aspects in my dreams and I really can't write them all in here. And I don't even want to write. I need to have some secrets too you know! No, what I really would like to do is to discuss these things with my love. And somehow that feels strange. But that's only a cultural thing. In Finland women (though this thing is not true anymore in my generation which is good!) can't speak about these things with their man. That's because men in Finland are grumpy and they do not want to discuss about anything (they just want to drink alcohol :P). Luckily I have a man who is not like that. I don't know if he wants to talk about family planning with me :D But I'd like to chat about there things with him. But not only speak, I need to see him while talking about this serious things. And now it is not time to discuss these things, at least seriously. I need to remind you (and myself) that I'm only brainstorming. And this makes me miss him again badly. But that has something to do with the fact that I haven't talked with him for three days now :P

I'm so lucky I have a family back home. I don't feel alone going back. Because when I was single and went back home from my parents home, I always felt alone. I do have friends but it's not the same thing. I'm definitely a family person. Though I'm also career centered... But let's not go there now.

Now I'll stop this. :) Enough future planning! PS. I'm going to post some furniture pics to somewhere else to keep myself motivated to graduate ;)

Missing Him

Ok. My network still sucks but I e-mailed to them again. Lets see what they say this time.

There are some things I want to tell you. Guys in here don't really have manners. They keep their caps on inside, even during lectures! Though one guy amazed me at the bus, he gave me his seat but I really think it was because he couldn't see his buddy. And about my professors, my endocrinology professor is just hilarious. I think I mentioned him earlier. Oh shoot and I'm so sick are his most used words during the lectures :D Though I'm a bit worried of him, he limps and seems really tired. And he actually was in hospital last weekend... And even still he keeps joking all the time. And my Animal Behavior professor says "emm" at least 15 times in 5 minutes (I counted). And that continues the whole lecture. And the news papers. They are so weird shaped! They're long and narrow and so hard to read unless you read them on table! And buses don't run in time starting from the evenings (I don't know about the morning and daytime buses because there are so many anyway so it doesn't really matter if they run late).

I went to play frisbee with Danny, Tymon, Meike and Paola (after Paola and I took a nap on the lawn) and now I can barely walk! My legs and bottom are so sore! What a good exercise! :D But then it started to rain and we went to eat to Chinese restaurant and after that we went to Java Juice to meet other international students and our global buddies. I was home at 10 pm but although I was tired, I was too hyper to go to sleep so I was awake until midnight and now I'm really tired. And Josh has been trying to reach me, every time he called me, I missed his call. I was in class or deaf. And I didn't even realize that it was he who had tried to call me! And then he tried to come and see me at home but I wasn't home :(

And about my phone. I got this AT&T prepaid thing where messages and calls cost 25c, both sending them and receiving (both of) them. So it's quite expensive but I thought that I wouldn't do so many calls nor that someone would call me. But I really don't want to buy any plans either because they're quite expensive and I can't have any other type than prepaid because I don't have the social security number. And it's so stupid that I really don't have service in Mayflower, so people can't call/send messages me and vice versa when I'm home. Sometimes when I put the phone on my pillow, there comes one block but that's all. So that's why I'm better reached via internet, and I'm actually all the time in internet when I'm home, so take this hint ;)

I'm looking forward to this weekend. I don't know why but I just do :) I want to go to some bar!

And I miss Tarmo. I really do. Badly. I dreamed of him last night and the night before that (and other one of them actually was That Kind of Dream ;) There are so many things I'd like him to see. There are so many people I'd like to introduce to him. There are so many things I'd like to tell him. And we do talk almost every day (at least we try to get a change to talk every day) and I do tell him everything but then again I can't remember everything I was supposed to tell him. And then I forget those things. I'd like him to hang around with me. I'd like to sleep with him. I'd just like to cuddle... That's the biggest thing I miss.
I really love being in here. I love Iowa City. So I really don't miss home (though I miss our bed), I just miss him. And of course I miss our kitties. I miss their purring and playing. I miss the thing that I just sit and I can feel someone passing me by and just touching my legs slightly. I miss the touch. The magic touch Tarmo has. The slight loving touch our kitties have too (if you are laying in the bed they just come sleeping against your back. I will alway remember the first night we had them, other one was sleeping in my armpit and other one was sleeping almost on my head and I could feel them breathing and my arms just went numb because they were so cute that I didn't dare to move). And that touch I can't have in here. I don't even want to have, I want that touch just from Tarmo. I do give hugs, I always give hugs. For both men and women. But it's not the same thing. I am touching person. I always touch people when I talk to them, especially when I'm exited and tell some hilarious things :D And even though I love hugging people, I can't receive long hugs, they're too loving and get me in tears. And I don't want to hug ALL the people in the world. I give hugs only to people I care. And I don't want strangers to hug me. That's just harassment.

Oh I really can see from this text that it's getting late and I'm getting tired. I always get so sentimental this time of the day. And I just miss Tarmo. And I like writing about it because it makes me feel better. And I prefer writing over talking because writing doesn't get me into tears as easily and I actually express myself better in this way. At least in English :) And I don't really feel so confident of my speaking. I know I can speak but it's just so much easier to write. My vocabulary is so much better when I write because I tend to use easy words because I'm too afraid to say the hard words wrong. Yes, I'm perfectionist. A tired one, so I'll go to bed now. Good night!

ps. We had a fire alarming today at Mayflower... We had to stop studying and go outside and couldn't continue studying because we were shocked, right Kaisa? ;)